I have always enjoyed handjobs, and my current girlfriend is bad at them. How can I change this? We’ve been together for a month.—Sam
H-jays rank very low (like, low) in the what-girls-like sexual hierarchy, unfortunately. There’s this sense that it’s the least important thing, that it’s something “he can do himself.”
Carlyle Jansen, the founder of Harbord Street’s Good for Her sex shop, says that not only are a lot of women “intimidated” by handjobs, “because they feel they can never compete with his hand,” they also don’t take them seriously. “It’s seen as something that involves no skill.” Some or all of this might explain your girlfriend’s lack of manual abilities; she also might not be familiar with your particular, circumcised-or-not penis type after just a month of dating.
The next time you fool around, Jansen suggests saying “one thing that she is doing really well, and one thing that you want [done] differently, like ‘I really like the speed that you’re using; could you use a bit more pressure, please?’” Or, do tradesies, and put her hands on yours to show her the speed, pressure, and style you need, then put your hands on hers while she does the same. (It can’t hurt to find out, because maybe your hand-skills aren’t killing it either, sir.) Be specific about what is working and what isn’t.
If you can’t talk about it, books and DVDs “will probably achieve the goal, and more.” (Jansen recommends Red Hot Touch.) Workshops are likely the hardest thing to pitch to your girl, but Jansen says, “I find it’s mostly women who want to come to workshops and not so much men, so he might have more luck getting her to come.” (Ha!)
My ex contacted me to ask if I would delete all of my old posts off his Facebook timeline because his new girlfriend’s mother finds them “inappropriate.” He can’t see the posts or delete them himself because I have him blocked, but people on his friend list can still see them. I looked at the posts with a mutual friend’s account, and there is nothing inappropriate at all. Plus, everything was very obviously posted back when we dated. Is it my responsibility to erase these messages or is it inappropriate for him to contact me?—Diana
Can’t he just block you back or unfriend you, and they’d disappear? Isn’t that how Facebook works? That would easily solve this non-conundrum, but maybe your ex doesn’t want to block you because this is a weird cry for help?
The easy answer is “Delete his email and go out for a tasty slice.” But if you were going to do that, you already would have. The hard answer is to think on it a little, because maybe something else is up. This static could be coming from the new girl but getting pinned on a convenient mom-avatar, by her or by your ex. Maybe the new girlfriend was harassed by some historical pre-girlfriend and is triggered—fairly or otherwise—by the digital fingerprints of her man’s relationship ghosts. Maybe Mrs. Mom and Junior Miss come from a social world (a.k.a. a small town) where this kind of relationship revisionism would feel more normal. Remember: Sometimes what we assume to be true is actually projection, even when it seems straight-up absurd at first.
So don’t do what he’s doing; proceed kindly, but communicate that the onus is on your ex-boyfriend. Email him what you emailed me, that “There is nothing inappropriate,” and add, “If you could tell me which posts are offensive, I would be more than happy to take them down.” He probably won’t write back (seriously) and, if you happen to care, you’ll also be the most oppositionally cool—the most appropriate—ex-girlfriend, ever.
Have a question for Kate? Email kate@thegridto.com.
