The Unanimous Declaration of Independence made by the self-appointed delegate of the people of Greater Toronto in General Convention and Fever Dream on the 27th day of September, 2012.
THE FIRST 100 DAYS
A things-to-do list for the nation of Toronto
1. Lady Margaret Atwood, Defender of Libraries, moves into Casa Loma.
2. Repurpose Toronto ferries as our naval fleet.
3. Establish diplomatic relations with Canada and the rest of the world.
4. Expel Dalton McGuinty, return him to Ottawa.
5. Develop a national transit strategy.
6. Set up border crossings around the edge of what was once known as the GTA.
7. Write a draft of the constitution—task appointed to a panel comprised of John Ralston Saul, David Crombie, and Strombo.
8. Canadian Idol is reborn as Toronto Idol. In a gesture of goodwill, Ben Mulroney is still allowed to host.
9. Offer citizenship to Conrad Black.
10. Appoint Rob Ford as our national Chief Complaints Officer. If you dial 311, the call will go straight to his cellphone.
11. Raise our flag at Queen’s Park, which becomes our national parliament.
12. Seize the CBC Broadcast Centre, which will now serve as headquarters for TBC, our official state broadcaster.
13. Appoint Matt Galloway ambassador to the UN.
14. Appoint Ken Dryden ambassador to Togo.
15. Transform the “new” city hall into a permanent, state-of-the-art movie studio to be used by the Resident Evil series and other film franchises looking for a vaguely menacing, futuristic building.
16. Set up national military headquarters at Old Fort York. Retrofit the antiquated weapons onsite.
17. Place 680News’ airborne traffic reporter, Darryl Dahmer, in charge of our air force.
TORONTO NATIONAL FACTOIDS
Statistics pertain to the area formerly known as the GTA
NATIONAL NUMBERS
We’re bigger than you, Norway. You too, Slovakia.
