Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 19)
When the Beatles first performed on The Ed Sullivan Show, they broke all ratings records and ushered in the first wave of the British Invasion. Now it’s only a matter of time before Sir Paul becomes an American Idol judge, isn’t it? You’re breaking new ground this week yourself, Aquarius, so get it done before the crowds arrive.
Pisces (Feb. 20–March. 20)
There must be a more productive way to relax than sitting down with a box of donuts and a season’s worth of Storage Wars, but I can’t think of one. You’ve got the rest of your life to be dynamic, Pisces, this week you really do need to focus on recharging. And if deep-fried carbs and exploitative reality TV are what it takes, then so be it.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
This week, going to the laundromat will be like a nirvana-inducing pilgrimage, work will be an oasis of pleasantries and civility, and grocery shopping will be a celebratory rite. You shouldn’t have to escape from home to find peace, Aries, but there it is. Consider patching things up with your roommate, if you ever want a break from the old coin wash.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
Capitalism is your friend this week, Taurus. You need to throw yourself behind every Stephen Colbert-esque sponsorship scheme you can find. Marketing and salesmanship are your forte and money really is the name of this game.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
Do you know where your next meal’s coming from, Gemini? No, really, what are you having for dinner tonight? Because nourishing yourself and maintaining the energy needed to keep up with this week’s pace will be no small feat. Forget to eat and you’re toast.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
You can analyze your social-media metrics and sweat over your amplification versus your bounce rates as much as you want, Cancer. But good, consistent, quality work will be your ticket to success this week. Everything else is just window dressing.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)
You’ve won, Leo, and now you’ll get to have it your way all this week. But not so fast with that complete Atom Egoyan box set and tickets to the ballet. Perhaps there’s a more fun way to exploit the generosity of your partner? One that’s less highbrow and more getting naked under the sheets?
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
I know you didn’t choose to be broke, Virgo. It’s simply the natural culmination of your affinity for fine wine and well-tailored clothes, and your distaste for real work. It’s not your fault! Luckily for you, the chance to work smart (not hard) is on the horizon. Book your dinner reservations now.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
Don’t make any promises this week, Libra. In fact, don’t say anything at all. The plotting and scheming at your office will make the American Congress look like an episode of Romper Room. Which reminds me: Keep your politics to yourself, too.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
You could argue either side of the death-penalty issue on your high school debating team, Scorpio, but good luck convincing anyone that you’re really happy right now. Your energy will be much better spent making changes for the better than trying to fool your loved ones. You know, unless you have a really good rebuttal.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
God, Sagittarius, stop moping around and go out and meet someone already! All you have to do is get drunk, strike up a conversation, go home together, fall in love, have babies and live happily ever after. C’mon, you can at least do step one this week.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
If ever there was a time to audition for a major motion picture, Capricorn, this is it. So you’ll probably be a little busy with your day job and personal life this week, I get it. But, hey, a bit of Hollywood charm will go a long way towards getting what you want no matter where you are.
