Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 19)
Remember when you begged and pleaded and begged your parents for McDonald’s when you were a kid? And then they took you there? How dare they! If you’re looking for support and guidance this week, Aquarius, you’ll find it at home. If you just want someone to pin the blame on, you really shouldn’t bother.
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)
How can I liken your sudden need to redefine yourself to the tradition of using a groundhog to predict long-term weather trends? Oh yeah, you’re both full of shit. (Both you and the rodent, that is.) Pisces, you need a clean shirt and a haircut, not a total rebranding. Get a grip.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
What was that? Was that the wind or the ghost of your great-aunt Edith reminding you to chew your carrots well? There’s no doubt that you’ll be easily spooked this week, Aries. But then again, who wouldn’t be with all that paranormal activity buzzing around their aura?
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
This is the week you impress your boss, Taurus. Yep, that big-time, important project you’ve been working on (or slapped together at the last minute, whatever) is even more kick-ass than you’d hoped. Welcome to the inner circle of middle-management minds. You can put that on a t-shirt and wear it.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
The problem with being at the peak of something is the clear and unobstructed view of the steady decline ahead. So, good news: Expect to hit your career peak this week; your ship’s come in!
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
Face it, Cancer, you’re about as lost as a stray earring, the San Francisco 49ers’ Super Bowl hopes and a company without a social-media strategy. That’s really and truly clued out. But it’s not too late! Stop worrying about your old way of doing things and you may yet adapt.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)
Franklin D. Roosevelt was talking about the Great Depression when he said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” But it’ll also apply to you this week, Leo, when you work past your groundless anxieties and finally start to accomplish your goals. Seriously, just take that driver’s road test already.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
As captivating as downward-spiralling Republican presidential campaigns are, Virgo, you’re going to have to pull yourself away from politico.com and look at your own life this week. If you don’t move fast your approval ratings are going to take a nosedive.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
Stock up on Red Bull at the grocery store this week. (Or just drink coffee like a real grown up, why don’t you?) Sleep is going to be hard to come by, Libra, because of all the sex you’ll be having! Really, it’s like you won the erotic lotto but you have to spend it all at once. Fun. And exhausting.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
Maybe your New Year’s resolution to eat better really is working. Or maybe you’re just playing less Words With Friends. Either way, you have more time and energy now than you’ve had for weeks. Let’s put it to good use, shall we?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
So, apparently, it’s wrong to get your secretary to pick out a gift for your spouse. And it turns out the old “Happy Birthday!” on your significant other’s Facebook wall doesn’t cut it either. Whatever your particular failing, Sag, you’ll be bending over backwards to make up for it this week.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
We may never know what’s really up with all the Rob Ford 911 calls, Capricorn, but your bank balance needn’t be quite as mysterious. Bite the bullet this week and take a good, hard look at your finances. It won’t be pretty, but it can’t be uglier than nosing around in the mayor’s private life, can it?
